WITHHOLDING CONSENT (SAYING ‘NO’)
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By Garrison.phillips March 2, 2010, 1:31 pm |
I have never liked the word ‘no’ and so, when it is absolutely essential that it be used, I try to soften it with a compliment before it is uttered. That is due to the teaching of my father. As he said to me on many occasions when I was growing up, ‘The word holds no promise. And promise is what keeps me going most of the time.’ (This from a man who was physically challenged with the loss of his right arm as a teenager.)
But there are times in an extreme situation when the use of the word is essential. It can be as simple as telling oneself not to indulge in another cup or coffee, glass of wine or one more serving of French Fries. It can be as serious as being cut off in traffic by a cell phone user careening through a red light. And so, ‘no’ is just about the only alternative, screamed at full volume at the offending driver. The urge to run them down, however, remains.
But there are times when I have to use the word to protect myself. Gone are the days when I helped, so it seemed, every friend I ever had to move to yet another apartment. I was called upon because I have always kept a car here in the city. But no more. I am too old and the traffic is too much for me to handle. And there are times when I use the word to protect myself from a simple thing such as boring company. And then the more serious circumstances that to help someone in whatever way is simply beyond my physical capabilities. So I use the word ‘no’ to protect myself. Selfish? Indeed so. But my own sanity and health now take top priority as I have grown older. So I refuse to forward e-mails that promise me a ‘reward’ if I just ‘keep it going.‘ Punching delete gives me great satisfaction! Even as a long-time volunteer, there are times now when I simply have to say ‘no.’ To soften the refusal, I have been known to go to great lengths to explain just why I am ‘withholding my consent.‘ At times, the art of being a bore can work in one’s favor. Trust me.
But there are times in an extreme situation when the use of the word is essential. It can be as simple as telling oneself not to indulge in another cup or coffee, glass of wine or one more serving of French Fries. It can be as serious as being cut off in traffic by a cell phone user careening through a red light. And so, ‘no’ is just about the only alternative, screamed at full volume at the offending driver. The urge to run them down, however, remains.
But there are times when I have to use the word to protect myself. Gone are the days when I helped, so it seemed, every friend I ever had to move to yet another apartment. I was called upon because I have always kept a car here in the city. But no more. I am too old and the traffic is too much for me to handle. And there are times when I use the word to protect myself from a simple thing such as boring company. And then the more serious circumstances that to help someone in whatever way is simply beyond my physical capabilities. So I use the word ‘no’ to protect myself. Selfish? Indeed so. But my own sanity and health now take top priority as I have grown older. So I refuse to forward e-mails that promise me a ‘reward’ if I just ‘keep it going.‘ Punching delete gives me great satisfaction! Even as a long-time volunteer, there are times now when I simply have to say ‘no.’ To soften the refusal, I have been known to go to great lengths to explain just why I am ‘withholding my consent.‘ At times, the art of being a bore can work in one’s favor. Trust me.
saying no
Hard Conversations